Minggu, November 25, 2012

Senin, November 19, 2012

crying inside, laughing outside, being strong



I'm not a teenage anymore, being mature is all I've wanted to be. But it's not that easy...

Mungkin, aku berada di titik terendah dalam perjalanan hidupku. Mungkin, I've lost my path long long time ago. Mungkin, ada yang salah dengan otakku. Haha. Mungkin!

I don't know what's wrong with me, with my life, my choices.. I'm not happy at all! I'm lost!

I have passion, but I don't know what should I do with them. That's suck! Apa aku perlu psikiater hanya untuk tahu apa yang salah denganku? 

Aku bukan cewe yang ga punya motivasi dalam hidupnya. Meski aku terpuruk parah seperti saat ini, I have a lot-lot-lot motivation words in me. 

"when you try to quit, you are quit trying"
"take all the chances coz you don't know which is work with you"
"don't think too much but think it first!"
"where there's a dark, there's light after"

that's cool, huh? lol
but, why it isn't work to me? I had sharing with friends too. They all said the same thing as I thought. That me thinking too much. That me not being a spontaneous. That me not loving my self!

Ujung-ujungnya aku menggalau. Luntang-lantung gatau arah kesana kemari. I start drinking and smoking even worse than before.
but I know that's not good! I just making it worst. Argh! All I need is happiness.

I start knowing new people. Itu juga ga guna sama sekali. Malah membuatku takut. Aku makin depresi. I need a new life. I need to be in a community.

Hidupku sangat menyedihkan. Atau akunya yang harus dikasihani. Manusia yang tidak tahu kemampuannya sendiri. Well, aku bukan gatau what I am capable of. I have these passion, a lot. I love to sing. Drawing. Taking picture.
monju,2010
my drawing, jude, 2011

I'm playing guitar. Writing. And even being a good-good leader in the past. I'm under Aries.
You can see that I'm good human. But, again, I don't what to do with them all. Dan itu "menyedihkan"!!  

I just wanna be happy. Being usefull to others. Helping others. Doing something's good. Making others happy.

  
Perhaps I forget how to be grateful. I forget how to thank God. I forget all that happened in my life. All that I've achieved in my life.
And I'm still far-far away from trying. I don't trying at all. All I do is crying, mourning, blaming others.
but still, I don't how to trying...TT___TT

maybe then, I'll be happy and FREE!