no one knows

"just a little more relaxation and doing flash back.. perhaps, I'll know who I am, what I am, why I am, where I am, and when I am.
lol!! feels like I'm doing my law assignments. how can I solve the cases by answering the 5W 1H questions. oh shit! it's too much. sure! too difficult to solve. absolutely! well, to many cases here, isn't?
but, it doesnt make they didnt have the solving, right? ehm.. just seems like they're protected. corrupted!! 
and also myself's problem. sure, the only my Creator who knows how to solve it. even me myself, nope!!

that thought is spinning around in my own head, again! always written, the new "how if". eventhought, the old "how if" is unsolved. curious? yes! so.. how it's sound like? why not a  illions paralons falls down on me and lost? uh! make me like.. ehm.. wanna be the true me!!

the space on my mind becomes heavy, now. not only "how if" is in there now, there is also "need that", "become this", "can do that", "miss this", "dont want that" there. what are they looking for there? wanna make a trouble with me? maybe.. but I'm always try to think positively. nothing happened. everything's under control. everything's can be handle. hah!! factually, be a rigid girl is difficult. better be a quasi-rigid girl, I guess!

my phoenix still inside. and I dont know, what will make it wakes up this time. because I become fed up. feel very fed up for all this situation. what am I affraid of? what am I going to wait? oh, com'n phoenix! wake up! dont just pull me hard to the weakness. I feel very sorry to say that, become a rigid girl is difficult. you never dont know, when your phoenix will wake up. well, when it'll wake up (then), you'll be very busy to control all then. you even can't say everything' fine anymore. you even dont know yourself well. you just to think to pull over everything around you. because, till this time, the phoenix never make you strong to face this all. it just wanna make you hurt!
and I feel just like that, and I start to like the "free" word!! :) :) :) :) :)

and, I dont know who try to start it, a fascicle, not! a drop, not! a liquid like a water - and yes, it's clear like a water - falls down my cheek. a tears? a cry? am I crying? a little sobs heard from inside. what!! am I crying? a rigid girl cry? wow! it can't be happened. but the tears just falls down byself. it's not me. maybe the phoenix did because it feel like it too fool. hei! dont cry!
I am crying..
I am crying...
crying...
I wipe the tears with my back hand, close my eyes for a minutes, wanna feel this tears. 
I heard fluttering wings.
in this blind, I heard fluttering wings. is that a bird?
no, the fluttering more heavy and rythmic. beautiful. 
my phoenix just left me. no! just a part of itself. bring some stuff from my mind space.
bring some stuff from under my mind space.
hah! good, I thought! why dont you bring all this shit stuff with you?
a little more empty, but still crowded. 

but, I feel like I want cry.
this time, my will.. 

tiada yang tahu

no one knows..

sure, not everyone know me

not even my mom, my dad, my sisters

eventhough myself

maybe just my Lord

 

no one knows..

every tears falls down

every anger blows up

every sick that wanna be cured

 

no one knows..

what did i do

what that i want

what i supposed to do

what what what

no one knows..

who am i

what am i

why am i

no one knows..

what inside of me

even me